Hey friends!!

As some of you may know, I beat cancer but that doesn't mean the fight is anywhere near over...

The last time I posted about my cancer journey was on April 18th, and boyyy has a lot happened since then...

4.23

I had a pretty intense surgery... I had what is called a bilateral mastectomy with immediate DIEP flap reconstruction. I won't go into too many details of what that is (it's a bit gorey) but basically, they amputated my breasts and then reconstructed them with the fat from my tummy. I also had 7 lymph nodes biopsy for cancer that came back negative... With that surgery came many changes and some complications. I took about 6 weeks off of work because I physically couldn't do anything on my own, including driving.

My friends and family came over daily to help me do the basics. Because of the incisions I had, I couldn't use my arms for a week and the swelling was unimaginable. I slept in a recliner for about 2 month and had some pretty intense nerve pain. It was traumatic to say the least... There were so many factors that played into this including

-pain, literally everywhere...

-lack of sleep, I couldn't get comfortable enough to get real deep sleep. The pain meds made me hot and sweaty so that didn't help either.

-lack of independence (I literally couldn't wipe my own butt, shower, or even brush my teeth on my own )

-THE DRAINS (OMG these were the absolute worst, and the most uncomfortable I have ever felt) I only had them for 10 days but I will say, those were the worst 10 days of my life. I've never had anxiety attacks like the ones the drains gave me. That whole experience has made it hard to spend any time in our master bathroom now. Because of how traumatic the experience of trying to shower with drains was, I feel like I disassociated for about a week.

-Not being able to get up when I wanted. Everything had to be planned because I didn't have the strength to get out of a chair by myself. My restroom breaks, eating, showers, dressing changes, drain cleaning... EVERYTHING had to be planned...

-The fear of sneezing, coughing, or yawning... Even breathing too deep was painful. (They shaved my ribs, so everything entering or exiting my body was painful... Especially air or anything cold)

-not being able to extend my arms, stretch , or lift anything heavier than 10lbs for about 2.5 months... SOOOO ANNIYING! I couldn't even take out the trash

But on top of all of that, I felt like I was in a new body that wasn't mine. I'm still really self conscious about it but it's getting better. It's just a weird feeling knowing that things aren't where they're "supposed" to be. I know this is a surgery that some people have electively, but I think it's very different when you're not really given the choice... I think when you're told "you need to amputate or you're going to die", it's a bit different than when you make the decision to do this kind of surgery because you want to look good... But that's just my opinion.

WOUND SPECIALIST AND HYPERBARICS

About 5 weeks after surgery, I had the incisions on my tummy open back up. At first I was told by my nurse "this happens and it's normal, they'll close on their own". Then after sending updated photos to my Dr., I was told that I needed to see a wound specialist to get everything taken care of. Well, I did that. And was i was told that my body doesn't seem to like to break down the sutures my surgeon used, which happens... Instead, my body is trying to push them out, hints the open incisions. The wound specialist saw me every week to clean and dress my wounds. I also was given the option to do hyperbaric treatments to help the healing process faster. I did about 4 weeks of treatments and it helped a ton! My wounds closed up and were very healthy.

Recently, I've had portions of the incisions open back up and cause some problems and annoyance, but it's something I've just accepted until my body can get rid of all the sutures. Hopefully that's soon!

PT

I just wrapped up physical therapy yesterday. My PT helped relieve some of the tightness and hardness I had in my new breasts and stomach. We used ultra sound, massage, and cupping. I didn't know that fat necrosis was expected in the whole process, and let me tell you... IT HURTS! So to help with blood flow and to help break up all the tissues that hardens from lack of blood flow, my PT used ultra sound. Within the first visit I could feel and see a difference. I also didn't realize how tight my muscles were and how horrible my range of motion was. When I first started PT, I couldn't even sit up on my own. My abdominal strength was non-existent. When I laid down and tried to get up, I felt like a turtle stuck on its back haha! I had to rock back and forth to get up because my abs were not doing anything for me... This also made driving really hard. I kept making the joke that in a car, I felt like a jelly fish because I had no control over how I'd move unless I was balancing myself with my arms by holding on to the door or handles.

REVISION SURGERY

So the revision surgery is to make sure everything looks natural and symmetrical. The surgeon will also help with scar revisions and remove any fat necrosis. It's pretty much a touch up for his work.

Initially my surgeon and I had an agreement that I would be scheduling my revision surgery 90 days after the first surgery. Well it's been way over that...

Ive had some problems with the insurance not wanting to cover the first surgery which has held up the second. It's a long story but we finally got it solved. So now my revision surgery is scheduled for December 31st... Yup! What a great way to bring in the New Year The good thing is that I will be on Christmas break for work, so hopefully I don't have to take any time off while healing. This should be my final surgery, and I honestly can't wait. I've been telling myself that after this surgery i can stop feeling like my life is in pause and can get back to living.

MENTAL TOLL

I've been told by a lot of you that "you've handled this with such grace" or "you're so brave for being so strong through this" but if we're being honest, I've been on auto piolot since being diagnosed, and it wasn't until about 3 weeks ago that I've come out of it... Mentally this whole situation has taken a toll on me. I initially dealt with it by throwing myself in to fighting to get better and work, but that clearly will not heal my mental state. I'm now reaching the point of burnout and I'm honestly just tired. Tired of the stress... physically, mentally, emotionally, financially... If it's not one thing, it another. And I totally understand that that's life... But the wrench that cancer throws in to life is way beyond the everyday crap you're used to dealing with.

To say this journey has been hard is an understatement. That's why I say that it's nowhere near over. The physical stuff is easy for me, I know the pain will come and go and it won't last forever... But the mental and emotional drainage I've dealt with over the past year, that's where the real work needs to happen... People think that when you get the all clear from cancer, that life just instantly gets better. "You're cured!!" So everything must be great. But honestly, it's almost the opposite. Now that the "fighting" phase is over, I almost feel helpless. Because I'm not actively or physically doing anything that I know is helping kill the cancer, I'm always stuck with the fear of reoccurrence... At least during chemo, I knew that every week I had an appointment to make things happen... Now any little pain or soreness that feels out of the ordinary is emotionally triggering. My first thought is always "is this cancer again?" and that leads to a spiral. (Did you know that reoccurace is more likely to happen within 2 years of achieving remission) On top of that, because I'm not going through chemo anymore, my hair is growing back and I dont look sick at all... So everyone just assumes everything is great because I "don't look sick". My co-workers say it all the time... That they forget that I'm still healing from a really invasive surgery because they cant physically see the difference.

There's also the pressure of feeling like if it comes back, I'm letting everyone that has helped me down... Fear is so real, and it's been a very eye opening thing for me. I've never really had a fear of anything until this... and it's not even a fear of dying, it's more the fear of failing and letting everyone that has cared for me down. I feel guilty of anything I eat or drink that isn't "healthy" for me. The survivors guilt is so real! I never thought I'd feel so guilty for something I can't control. Logically I know it doesn't make any sense, but it doesn't mean it's not happening daily. I feel guilty that my family and friends have had to go through this with me. That they have had to deal with all the ugly that comes with cancer because of me. I hate the amount of worry and stress that I've put on their plates just by having to exist with this stupid disease. But I keep telling myself that it will get better. This is still very new and eventually, I'll get to a mental space where I won't feel like this anymore.

WHATS NEXT?

So for now, I'm just taking it day by day. I have physical exams and labs every 3 months to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. I'm trying to break back into the life I was living. I'm trying to get back to shooting and worrying a little less. Being happy and stress free are at the top of my priority list at the moment because I honestly feel that the only way I'll be able to get back to the real me.

With that being said because I'm still not at 100% and shooting every weekend, medical bills are the bane of my existence right now and with one more surgery left, it's just going to get worse. So I'm attaching my GoFundMe link once more for anyone that is willing or can help. It's very much appreciated.

Thanks for reading the blog, I'll be posting an update after the revision surgery next year.

-Martina

GOFUNDME